The longest three minutes of my life

My husband swears it was three minutes, five minutes MAX but I'm here to tell you Bean's entire life flashed before my eyes this weekend. Her. Entire. Life. In three minutes.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but I'm just stupid enough to share my experience. Do I want you to learn from it? Sure. Did I really learn from it? Eh. I don't know there was much to learn. It was just some freak thing that happened and I swear to you, it took me HOURS to calm down. Hours. 

I'm not going to do a whole lot of updating right now; there's time for that later. I feel like you all need to know a few things, though, before proceeding. First (and foremost to many of you), Jaleigh has been out of the hospital for just over a year! Awesome, right?! She's been doing very well, up until about a month ago. We're working through it all, though and she's going to be just fine. You should also know we moved to Savannah. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, by the ocean and yes, I've seen the Spanish Moss. Oh. My. Gosh. Beautiful! Anyway...

Jesse's grandma came to visit us for a couple weeks and the time came to take her back to her sister's house in St. Augustine. We figured since we'd never "gotten away" as a family (and that our air conditioner had gone out the night before...) we would get a hotel room in Jacksonville and stay the weekend.

I reserved a room at the Embassy Suites in Jacksonville and we were beside ourselves, we were so giddy. A family vacation. With three kids under six. In one hotel room. What in the world could possibly go wrong?

I know you feel like this has been the longest three minutes of YOUR life, but bear with me. Every story has a back story.

We walked into the Embassy Suites and it was exquisite. It had a ginormous atrium with water falls (or "WA" as bug calls it) and plants. We checked in and made the trek up to the seventh floor with everyone in tow, to our home for the weekend. Oh, I didn't like those balcony rails. Something about them made me sick to my stomach. The slats were plenty wide enough that with very little effort, one of my girls could fall straight through. Seven stories up. Ugh.

We stayed our first night and got up to shower everyone. We were determined to make it a good day, despite the sleepless night (hi, uncooperative toddlers!). I took Jaleigh (serious lung problems, people) into the bathroom to shower with me and looked up to see a huge black moldy spot with an open hole and water pouring out. Um, gross. I promptly got out of the shower and called the front office who immediately brought us a key to a different room. We hauled all our stuff and three kids down to the second floor. Phew. Those balcony rails were DEFINITELY better. Not near the view, but safer. My tummy was safe. We got everyone into the new room, got dressed and ready to go down to breakfast. I couldn't find my phone anywhere, so I assumed I left it in the room on the seventh floor. I told Jesse I'd be right back and walked out the door. I vaguely recall hearing Jaleigh say something about coming with me, but I closed the door anyway. This is where the five minutes technically start.

I got in the elevator and had this awful, horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again. I almost felt claustrophobic in the empty, open elevator. I had to get out of there, and fast. I made it to the seventh floor, went in to look for my phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I decided I must have thrown it in a bag somewhere while we were juggling all the other stuff. I went back to the elevators and the same stupid elevator was there, waiting on me. There was that sick feeling again. I felt like the cable was just going to break and I was going to crash and die, leaving my husband alone to raise three banshees. Yes, I'm over-dramatic. I own it.

I rounded the corner to our new room and my husband met me in the hallway. I heard two words I never in my life want to hear again, ever. No matter what.

"Where's Jaleigh?"

What do you mean where's Jaleigh? She's in the room with you, you idiot. Check the bathroom. Look in the closet. She's a jerk like that.

When I saw the look on Bub's face, I knew they'd already checked and something wasn't right. I looked up and down the hallway; four elevators, four exit signs in four different corners of the building. Two sets of stairs. Hundreds of rooms. I'm telling you, this kid was NOWHERE. Where in the HELL was my baby?? Jesse went in and called the front desk, where they promptly dropped everything and started looking for her. I mumbled something to the maids on our floor as I walked past them, wondering where to start.

My baby. My baby has been through so much. I can't find my baby. Where is my baby? Oh, God. No. Give me my baby. By this time, our son was crying. Bug was screaming; apparently the whole situation just made her uncomfortable. Jesse was back in the room, tearing it to shreds. I was wondering aimlessly through our floor, in a daze, praying for direction. I looked out into the atrium. All these happy families. With their babies. I want my baby. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "Find my baby jerks!"

But I had no words. No words would come out. I couldn't even muster up words to tell the maids I needed help, or to call her name. I  was still wandering. Do I go up? Do I go down? Which elevator? Oh, my baby. Where are my words. God, help me. Did she fall? Oh, shit. If she gets up to that seventh floor, she'll fall off the balcony. Sorry for saying shit, God. Where's my baby? I rounded the final corner on our floor and she came walking out of an open room. Oh, God. Who are these people and what did they do to my child?! I can't breathe. As she walked out in tears, she saw me and came running to me.

"Mommy!" My baby.

"I wost you." My baby. Oh, the tears. My voice. I found my voice. I sound like a mad woman, but I found my voice. Oh, sweet baby. You're safe. You're okay. I'm going to kill you, child. Don't you EVER leave that room without mommy or daddy. Ever.

Apparently she was wondering the halls (this was a big hallway, folks. She was LITERALLY on the other side of the building) and this couple saw her and brought her into their room while the wife got dressed so they could take her to the front desk. I remember them saying something about having five kids and knowing kids are sneaky. I also remember them saying something about keeping an eye on her. I think I remember thanking them, incessantly. I'm pretty sure I cried. A lot.

Oh, Jesse. I had to go tell my poor, guilt-ridden husband she was okay. I found her. She was safe. She wouldn't let me put her down, not that I would have, and she kept cupping my face with her hands. She kept saying, "You not cry, mommy. I sowwy," over and over again. I kept telling her she can't leave me. Ever. Jesse called the front desk and let them know we had her. I went back to thank the couple again, but they were gone. Angels among us, folks.

Now, to answer the questions I KNOW you have at this point. I don't want to hear them in your efforts to make me feel like an inferior parent.

1. Why didn't you take her with you?
I was trying to hurry. Everyone was hungry, we were nearly late for breakfast. Bean has a habit of looking at every single speck on the floor and admiring it, then telling me what potential it has to be all sorts of things. I also didn't want her back in that room with mold, even for a second.

2. Where was daddy?
 I don't blame daddy. Even if the worst had happened, I wouldn't blame daddy. I blame me. I should have taken her with me. Daddy heard a door close and assumed she locked herself in the bathroom (she's famous for that, people), then went straight to the bathroom to retrieve her. Then he checked the other room. Then he checked the closets. Then he freaked out. Daddy was putting drinks in the fridge, looked up and she was gone.

3. What about the safety latch?
The safety latch in our first room wouldn't latch. The door locked, but anyone who has ever stayed in a hotel knows how that works. Pull the handle and the door unlocks. This door would latch and you can bet it was latched for the remainder of the trip, but this time it wasn't. I have no excuses. I guess we just assumed since everyone was right there and I would just be gone for a minute, that it would be fine. It was fine. I just went through three minutes of hell to get to fine. Three minutes of imagining the very worst.

I cried for at least an hour. I'd be willing to bet two, maybe even three. Jaleigh didn't leave my hip that day and she apologized all day long. I think it scared her as much as it did me. I relished in it, though, because the outcome could've been so much worse, but God was watching over our Sweet Bean. Just more confirmation He has BIG plans for our baby girl. Big plans.

What's the moral of the story, you ask? Meh, I don't really have one. Watch your kids? No, that's not it. It's virtually impossible to watch your children 24/7 without stopping. It just is. Use your words? Eh, yeah. If you lose your kids, at least make an effort to call them. Don't be a mute idiot, roaming around incessantly like I was. I tell my kids 500 times a day to use their words. Use your words.

Other than that, nope. No other advice or morals. Just thought I'd share with you the longest three minutes of my life.

We got our curriculum today! Woo hoo!

It was seriously Christmas in August...er, um September today. The mail lady rang the doorbell this morning and Justin and I bolted for the door. I did my best to pretend for him that it was because we knew his curriculum was coming. That did contribute to my excitement, however; Bean's Minnie Mouse Halloween costume also came today! We hauled everything in and hurried up and opened his curriculum. We wound up using My Father's World for Kindergarten and we're supplementing with Kinder-Math and Alphabet Island. We picked up the alphabet island on a whim Friday and I've spent all day today studying it. I'm so unbelievably excited about it.

I haven't even taught a lesson yet and I'm loving this homeschool stuff. I have been coloring posters for four hours! I got to cut and stack for 2 hours. I seriously feel like I'm in kindergarten again. I LOVE it! I'm so excited and I think that's so important because in order for HIM to be excited, I have to be. I'm so there!

For those of you who follow us because of Bean, thank you for your prayers, love and support for our baby girl. We have witnessed nothing short of a miracle with her in the last couple days. Small miracles are BIG miracles in our world. I should back up; sorry. I do that a lot. I pray one of these days I can be that mom who has it all together and is able to tell a story without going, "Oh. Wait. Back up. Let me tell you about THIS first..."

Our youngest daughter, Jadie (Bug) is this unbelievably happy, healthy baby. She's seriously just been wonderful. She's spunky, but she's calm and cool. A few months ago she started getting some pretty brutal ear infections. We've had now six in the last, eh...six months? Anyway, I took her to pediatric urgent care last night because she was feverish and screaming incessantly. Like, would not give it up. This came after about a week of stuffiness and not sleeping. Long story short, she had raging infection in both ears again. So we're treating it with antibiotics, motrin and homeopathic pain drops. We have also started probiotics on her just because of all the antibiotics she's been on. It pales in comparison to what Bean has been on, but experience is the best way to learn a lesson. I will not let prolonged antibiotic usage wipe out another one of my babe's immune systems.

Anyway, so we got Bug home and I loaded her up. Sister was screaming bloody murder and about 5 seconds after those hyland drops hit her sweet little ears, she passed out on my lap. Out cold.
I gave her motrin (here comes the miracle, wait for it...) and Jaleigh seriously walked over and wanted some! Seriously! Those of you who follow us know the horrible traumatic two weeks we went through trying to get this kid to accept a syringe. We finally just left it alone and put her back on IV meds. So that's the background to the background story...are you still with me? So heck to the yes, I gave the kid some. The next morning when I gave Bug her medicine, Bean wanted some too. More motrin for Bean. This evening when Bug took her meds, Bean took some, too.

Wait. Before you go all "you're the worst mom ever" on me, Bean rarely, if ever gets pain meds but I tell you what. She's slept better the last couple nights than she has in MONTHS. So dang right I gave her motrin. With all that baby has gone through and continues to go through, there's no way there isn't pain. Plus, this opens the door to us starting oral antibiotics. I'm seriously giddy at the potential of calling her ID doctor Tuesday and asking her to give us a prescription for oral antibiotics. So giddy. So excited. So...ready. So ready to get this PICC line out of her arm and move forward.

So. Thank you. Thank you for praying for the small things, like babies taking medicine for a syringe. Small prayer, BIG relief in our world. We're up for recert with home health this week. Maybe instead we can pray for a discharge? Oh, how wonderful that would be!

Big changes coming to our house this week. Our family's turning our world upside down...yet again. Stay tuned, folks. Odds are this is gonna be big. We've got some minor (major?) details to work out and then I'll share! Thank you for continually caring for and praying for our family. We appreciate it more than you know!

We've been waiting so long for you to show up...

Only for you to put us off another three months. That's right, answers. I'm talking to you. We are not friends, not even a little bit. I don't know why you keep promising to come, but then canceling at the last minute. Annoying is an understatement. You make us sad for our Bean, angry for the past 22 months. I'm done addressing you; I hate that you continue to evade us.

We got a phone call from home health today and they said Bean's antibody work up results were in and that they were abnormal. They also said they were concerned about her left leg pain because the area of her left tibia directly below the knee was hot to the touch. Bean currently has and is being treated for osteomyelitis in her right tibia bone. She is on, and has been on, IV antibiotics for around four months. We have one more month of antibiotics before her treatment is complete. The relief of being on the downhill slide was cut short by concern when she started complaining of LEFT leg pain this weekend. She complains of pain in the tibia area and pain in her toes. So much pain in her toes that we refuse our really adorable Dah-Dah (see: Hot Dog; see: Minnie Mouse) shoes. Anyway, home health called her pulmonologist and we started the business of waiting for a call back.

A little background. Anyone who follows Bean's page (http://www.facebook.com/prayforjaleigh) knows her history and the struggles we've had with getting a clear diagnosis. She is continually fighting off major infections and everyone we encounter is at a loss as to why. We've finally reached that point where it was time to start looking for immune deficiencies. So we took the first step this week when home health came and did an initial antibody work up.

Her hemoglobins are still low, sitting1.4 points from where we were a week or two ago.. Bean has Anemia of Chronic Disease, so we will continue to watch her numbers. Her white blood counts are finally on the low end of normal. They've been very low and we've been watching them closely. We had to switch her infused antibiotic and we're watching her numbers slowly rise back to her normal, which hangs on the low end. Her antibodies were more complicated. Basically she was well below the lowest possible normal, but the test allowed for a discrepancy up or down and if you applied the discrepancy up, it put her on the very, very lowest point of normal. Because the allowed discrepancy put her at the lowest normal point, he wants to retest her in three months. Apparently the work up that follows this test is very extensive and he doesn't want to put her through it if we don't have to. We obviously don't want to traumatize her any more than necessary, but we're disappointed. We felt like we were so close to answers...

That being said, we absolutely adore her doctor. We couldn't ask for a doctor who cares about his patients more. We are frustrated by the process; he's just the messenger if you will. We will continue the journey we started with him because we know he's doing what's best for our daughter. The thought of starting over with another doctor in another state or town terrifies us for our family, for our daughter. So, while we appreciate suggestions to go elsewhere (truly, truly...we do), we will continue on, at least for now, right where we are.

Jaleigh has chronic pneumonitis and right middle lobe syndrome as her official diagnoses with her lungs. They are broad diagnoses, but they're specific enough for us to be conscientious of her symptoms. We know, God willing, that as time goes on, we will finally get our answers. She will be two in October. Her first time being hospitalized with unexplained sickness was at three months old. I know there are so many who have struggled longer and for that, I commend you. As someone who has done it nearly two years, I can't possibly imagine doing it as long as you have. Many props and prayers to each and every one of you.

For some reason we decided to homeschool four days ago...

We went and met with some new friends on Saturday.

Wait. I should back up. Haha, five and a half years ago, we had a son...

We've discussed homeschooling off and on over the last several years, but I'm going to bare my soul here. I've been secretly counting down the days to when I could send every single one of my children to school. Seriously. I have my whole day planned out when Bug goes to kindergarten. I will likely frolic through the living room. Naked. Until at least noon. Then, I'll go eat lunch at a restaurant. Alone. In this dream, my meal will by yummy and hot. My waiter will be kind and I will be able to tip him according to taking care of one clean, pleasant person....not the zoo I typically drag in. Then I will go home and I will nap. I will nap until my nanny (hey, we're dreaming...back off) brings the kids home from school. I can afford a nanny now. I'm not buying diapers or formula. I envision the k-4th the "fabulous years;" post diapers, pre-sports. It's wonderful in my head. The second day of school will be mani/pedi/massage day. I'm secure in how ridiculous and unrealistic...and probably a little selfish this all sounds. I'm okay with it.

So. Anyway. This time last week, my husband came home and informed me his friend from work wanted us to come out for dinner over the weekend. They wanted us, our kids...everything. Seriously?! Someone expected me to bring my brood and that they would behave? Hmmm, that could be fun. I had approximately five days to come up with an excuse as to why we couldn't go. I'm that person, not really the social butterfly I once was...ha.

Saturday came along and I had no excuses. I got up, played Suzy Homemaker and made the dessert I promised my husband I'd make. It is imperative we as wives do our husbands proud and bring stellar desserts to friends' houses when we go (insert eyeroll here...). I reluctantly dressed the kids and myself (no naked frolicing; this isn't the first day of school...) and informed my husband (like the submissive, Godly wife I tend to be) that I had nothing to offer these people. You see, Bean has a lot of medical issues we're in the process of working through. Between those, my recent ACL surgery, and the typical "three five and under" exhaustion, I'm just spent. Not to mention, we have no family within a six hour radius. None. That's my whine fest; it's over now. Anyway, I informed him that I had nothing to offer; no help with dinner, no offering to watch their kids, no recipe swaps. Nothing. I went in fully planning to be that bump on a log we like to sit and make fun of.

We got to their house and their five year old met me at the back of the car. "You're Mrs. Bennett, I presume." Ha! What the what?! A five year old with manners? Ooooh, we're in trouble. He was seriously the sweetest thing I've seen aside from Bean when she's on the floor, having an Emily Rose moment (don't act like you don't know what those are; head spinning, growling, convulsing...). We were greeted at the door by their other two sons, equally polite. Serious; what's their secret?! I met Jesse's friend and his wife and they had all their hair and seemed to be sane people...how did they do it? I MUST know their secrets. They were so warm and welcoming. It did my heart a LOT of good to be there. It's funny how God works; if you just do what He prods you to do, He ensures you're blessed by it. Know what? They didn't ask me to help with dinner, never indicated I bore any responsibility for their children and no one really wanted my cobbler, anyway. It was an evening filled with good fellowship, good food, and only a few "BEAN! PLEASE STOP!" moments. We discussed homeschooling in depth. She showed me their "school room," their curriculum (Any MFW mommas out there?!), and explained to me their beliefs as far education and its place in their house as far as priorities. I was sold. She seriously could've made a million bucks off me that night if she was selling, because I was buying.

Rewind to the day before. I went to register Bub (yes, a week late and counting) for Kindergarten in the public schools. I walked in, told the registrar his school district and grade, to which she rolled her eyes and started explaining to me that his school was so overful of kindergarteners that they didn't know what they were going to do. Get this; over 160 kindergarteners, FOUR teachers, TWO aides. But don't worry, they're trying to hire a fifth kindergarten teacher to help out. Then it won't be SO bad. Let's see. I'm not a REAL smart cookie, but my math says 160/5= 32. THIRTY TWO KINDERGARTENERS in one room with one teacher and potentially one aide, depending on if the aide is floating in his room or not. Blown. Away. I left still needing a Hep A booster I know he'd already gotten with word that I'd go looking for it when I left her. After calling three places to get a vaccine I knew he'd already gotten, it hit me. There was no way on this planet I could send my son to a classroom full of now 40 students (remember, teacher #5 hadn't been hired yet) and expect him to benefit even a little bit. We also struggled with sending him to school when we were doing so much traveling for Bean's doctors and kept such a strict schedule with her. Private school isn't even an option. I refuse to pay ungodly amounts of money just so my child can go to school in a church. I hae diapers and formula to buy. And bows. No extra money for school tuition.

So we dove into the great curriculum hunt and decided we LOVE MFW. We should have it by the weekend and we'll dive right in, hopefully mid-week as I collect all the other pieces. So seriously, for some reason we decided to homeschool four days ago. I've had many friends and family tell me I'm crazy. Some tell me I'm short changing my son. Some tell me there's no way I can possibly do it. Hi, y'all. That just makes me want to do it more. Just to prove you wrong. Oh. And to get my son the best education possible, of course.

So here we go! We're going on an adventure. Care to join us?